Letting Go of the Past: Rewrite Your Narrative
Is your life being directed by a script you didn't consciously write? Many of us move through the world guided by powerful, invisible messages from our past. These "life stories" are the narratives we've constructed about who we are, how the world works, and what we can expect from life and other people.
Are You Living in the Past? How to Rewrite Your Story for a Better Present
Is your life being directed by a script you didn't consciously write? Many of us move through the world guided by powerful, invisible messages from our past. These "life stories" are the narratives we've constructed about who we are, how the world works, and what we can expect from life and other people.
These stories, often formed in childhood, can become self-fulfilling prophecies, limiting our potential and keeping us stuck in painful patterns. Perhaps you live by a story of "I'm not good enough," "I'll always be abandoned," or "I can't trust anyone."
The good news is that you are the author of your life. While you cannot change the events of the past, you have the power to change the story you tell about them. Drawing on principles from narrative therapy, this article will guide you through a process of identifying the old, unhelpful stories that are running your life, understanding their origins with compassion, and consciously rewriting a new, more empowering narrative for your present and future.
Uncovering Your Dominant Story
Before you can rewrite your story, you must first become aware of the one you are currently living. These dominant narratives often operate just below the surface of our consciousness, shaping our feelings, decisions, and behaviors without our explicit consent. A few reflective exercises can help bring them to light.
Track Recurrent Patterns: Think about your life. Are there certain patterns that keep repeating themselves? Perhaps you find yourself in the same type of unhealthy relationship over and over, or you consistently sabotage your success at work, or you struggle with a persistent feeling of loneliness no matter where you are. These recurrent conflicts are often clues that an old story is at play.
Identify Core Beliefs: As you reflect on these patterns, what underlying beliefs about yourself or the world come to the surface? When you are in one of those difficult situations, how do you feel? Do you feel invisible, like your needs don't matter? Do you feel that people are fundamentally untrustworthy, or that you are inherently less worthy than others? Write these beliefs down without judgment.
Trace the Origins: Now, take one of those core beliefs and trace it back in time. Can you remember the first time you felt this way? What was happening in your life during that period? How did you learn this lesson about yourself or the world? Often, these beliefs are formed in our earliest relationships with family, peers, or authority figures.
Honoring the Old Story: Why We Cling to the Past
It may seem strange that we would cling to stories that cause us pain. We don't hold onto these painful narratives because we are masochistic or broken; we hold onto them because, at one point in our lives, they served a vital, protective purpose. Acknowledging this original positive intention is the key to letting the story go without shame or self-judgment.
Consider a child growing up in a chaotic and neglectful environment. To survive, that child might develop a core belief that "I can only depend on myself." This story gives them the strength to be self-reliant and to navigate a difficult world. In that context, the story is a brilliant and necessary coping strategy. However, when that child becomes an adult, the same story can prevent them from forming trusting, intimate relationships, leading to loneliness and isolation.
Instead of fighting the old story or criticizing yourself for having it, the first step in healing is to honor it. Practice sending empathy and understanding to your younger self who created that narrative to survive. You can mentally thank the story for protecting you when you needed it. This compassionate act allows you to gently release the story, acknowledging that while it was once helpful, your circumstances have changed and it no longer serves you.
The Art of Rewriting: Creating Your New Narrative
Once you have identified and honored your old story, you can begin the creative and empowering work of rewriting it. This is an active, conscious process of choosing a new narrative to live by.
Externalize the Problem: A key technique in narrative therapy is to separate yourself from the problem. You are not the story. Instead of saying "I am a failure," you can reframe it as, "I have been living with a story of failure that has been influencing my life." This simple shift in language creates psychological distance, giving you the space and power to make a change.
Find "Sparkling Moments": Your old, problem-saturated story has likely filtered your memories, causing you to ignore any evidence that contradicts it. Your next task is to search for "sparkling moments"—exceptions to the old rule. Look for times, no matter how small, when you were resilient, when you felt loved, when you succeeded, or when you trusted someone and it went well. These moments are the building blocks of your new, preferred narrative.
Choose a New Theme: If the theme of your old story was "victim," you can choose to rewrite it with the theme of "survivor" or "overcomer." If the old theme was "unlovable," the new one could be "learning to love and be loved." This is not about toxic positivity or ignoring past pain; it is a profound act of self-definition and empowerment.
Write the New Script: Begin to actively live into your new story. Journaling can be a powerful tool. Write about what the "survivor" version of you would do in a challenging situation. How does the "learner" version of you approach a mistake? When you feel the pull of the old story, pause, remind yourself of your new chosen narrative, and consciously choose a different thought or action.
Conclusion: You Are the Author of Your Life
We cannot erase the chapters of our past, but we hold the pen that writes the chapters of our future. We have the profound ability to change the meaning we make from our experiences and to choose the stories that will guide us forward. This is not a one-time fix, but an ongoing practice of noticing the old narrative, treating it with compassion, and intentionally choosing to live from a new, more expansive, and more empowering story.
Rewriting your personal narrative is deep and transformative work. If you find yourself stuck in limiting stories from the past, therapy can provide a safe, supportive, and collaborative space to explore these narratives and build a new foundation for your future. Contact me to learn how we can begin this journey of authorship together.
Researched and modified with the help
Overcome Imposter Syndrome & Self-Doubt
You’ve achieved success. You have the degree, the job title, the accolades. From the outside, you look confident and competent. But on the inside, you harbor a secret fear: that at any moment, you will be exposed as a fraud.
Beyond "Fake It 'Till You Make It": Unlocking Your True Potential
You’ve achieved success. You have the degree, the job title, the accolades. From the outside, you look confident and competent. But on the inside, you harbor a secret fear: that at any moment, you will be exposed as a fraud. You worry that you don't really belong, that your accomplishments are a result of luck or some misunderstanding, and that it's only a matter of time before everyone else figures it out. If this feeling is familiar, you may be experiencing Imposter Syndrome.
This psychological phenomenon, also known as imposterism, is a pervasive experience of intellectual or professional fraudulence, marked by persistent self-doubt and a fear of being "found out". It can be paralyzing, preventing you from enjoying your successes and reaching for new opportunities. This article will demystify Imposter Syndrome, explore its roots, and offer a powerful, compassionate path to move beyond it, helping you to be more than you first think you can be and to embrace your true capabilities.
What is Imposter Syndrome (and What It Isn't)?
Imposter Syndrome is more than just a fleeting moment of self-doubt. It is a persistent and distorted belief system about oneself. While it is not recognized as a formal mental disorder in diagnostic manuals like the DSM, its impact on a person's life can be profound, often co-occurring with and contributing to anxiety and depression.
Core characteristics of Imposter Syndrome include:
Persistent Self-Doubt: Despite objective evidence of your skills and competence—like good grades, positive performance reviews, or promotions—you remain convinced that you are not as intelligent or capable as others perceive you to be.
Attributing Success to External Factors: When you do succeed, you dismiss it as a fluke. You might believe you got lucky, the timing was right, or that you managed to deceive others into thinking you were more competent than you are. You find it nearly impossible to internalize your achievements.
Fear of Failure and Over-preparation: The fear of being exposed as a fraud often leads to a cycle of either procrastination followed by frantic work, or meticulous over-preparation for every task. You might feel you have to work harder than others just to keep up and prevent your supposed inadequacies from being discovered.
Certain personality traits, such as neuroticism and perfectionism, can increase the risk of experiencing Imposter Syndrome. Furthermore, the environment plays a significant role.
Workplace or academic cultures that are hyper-competitive or lack psychological safety can create or exacerbate these feelings, a phenomenon which we can lightly call "impostorization," which shifts the focus from an individual's internal state to the external factors that foster self-doubt.
The Antidote: Moving from Self-Criticism to Self-Compassion
Well-meaning advice for those struggling with self-doubt is often to "fake it 'til you make it." The idea is to project confidence until it becomes real. However, for someone with Imposter Syndrome, this advice can be deeply counterproductive. It reinforces the core belief that you are, in fact, an imposter who is actively faking it. The feeling of fraudulence only intensifies.
The true antidote to Imposter Syndrome is not more faking, but more authenticity. This authenticity is not found by puffing out your chest, but by turning inward with kindness. The engine of Imposter Syndrome is a relentless inner critic that constantly questions your worth and abilities. The most effective way to disarm this critic is through the practice of self-compassion.
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and understanding that you would offer to a dear friend who is struggling. It is a powerful antidote to the harsh self-judgment that fuels Imposter Syndrome. Instead of viewing your mistakes or imperfections as proof of your fraudulence, self-compassion allows you to see them as a normal, shared part of the human experience. This shift in perspective dismantles the very foundation upon which Imposter Syndrome is built.
Practical Strategies to Overcome Imposter Syndrome
Moving beyond Imposter Syndrome is a practice of unlearning harsh self-criticism and learning genuine self-acceptance. Here are several evidence-based strategies to guide you on this journey.
Recognize and Name Your Inner Critic: The first step is to develop awareness. Start paying attention to the negative thoughts that arise when you face a challenge or achieve a success. Notice the voice that says, "You're not qualified for this," or "That was just luck." Simply naming it—"Ah, there's my inner critic again"—can create a bit of distance and diminish its power over you.
Challenge Your Thoughts with Evidence: Your feelings are not facts. When the thought "I'm a fraud" arises, actively counter it with objective evidence. Make a list of your skills, your degrees, projects you've completed successfully, and positive feedback you've received. Keep this list handy and refer to it when self-doubt creeps in. This is not an act of arrogance; it is an act of reality-testing to counter a distorted belief.
Embrace a Growth Mindset: Imposter Syndrome often thrives in a "fixed mindset," the belief that intelligence and abilities are static. A "growth mindset" is the belief that abilities can be developed through effort and learning. Shift your focus from proving your competence to improving it. View challenges not as tests you might fail (and thus be exposed), but as opportunities to learn and grow. This reduces the fear of being "found out."
Share Your Feelings: Imposter Syndrome thrives in isolation, making you believe you are the only one who feels this way. Break the silence. Talk to a trusted friend, a mentor, or a therapist. You will likely discover that this experience is incredibly common, especially among high-achievers. Normalizing the experience by realizing you are not alone is a profoundly healing step.
Practice Self-Compassion in the Moment: When you feel the sting of self-doubt, try this simple exercise. First, acknowledge the feeling with mindfulness: "This is a moment of stress. This is painful." Second, connect with common humanity: "Struggling is a part of life. Other people feel this way too." Third, offer yourself kindness: "May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need."
Conclusion: You Are More Than You Think You Are
Overcoming Imposter Syndrome is not about becoming perfect or eliminating all self-doubt. It is a journey of developing a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself. It is about learning to internalize your successes and accept that your accomplishments are the result of your hard work, your skills, and your determination—not luck or deception. You have earned your place at the table.
If persistent feelings of self-doubt and imposter syndrome are holding you back from living a full and satisfying life, professional guidance can be invaluable. A therapist can help you explore the roots of these feelings, challenge the inner critic, and build a foundation of genuine self-confidence. Let's explore how you can move forward with greater self-assurance and begin to own your success.
Researched and modified with the help of AI Tools
A Guide to Managing Stress
That familiar feeling washes over you: a racing heart, a tight chest, a mind buzzing with a dozen worries at once. For many of us, this is the default definition of stress—an overwhelming, negative force to be avoided at all costs. But what if that's only half the story? What if stress isn't inherently the enemy?
The Two Faces of Stress: Eustress and Distress. Harnessing the Good, Managing the Bad
That familiar feeling washes over you: a racing heart, a tight chest, a mind buzzing with a dozen worries at once. For many of us, this is the default definition of stress—an overwhelming, negative force to be avoided at all costs. But what if that's only half the story? What if stress isn't inherently the enemy?
The reality is that stress exists on a spectrum. The key to well-being is not to eliminate it, which is an impossible task, but to understand its different forms and learn how to manage our response to it.
This article will explore the two primary types of stress—eustress and distress. By understanding the crucial difference between them, you can begin to harness the power of positive stress for growth and motivation, while developing practical, evidence-based strategies to manage the harmful stress that wears you down and impacts your health.
Understanding the Spectrum: What Are Eustress and Distress?
The word "stress" is often used as a blanket term for negative experiences, but researchers have long made a distinction between its positive and negative forms. Understanding this difference is the first step toward changing your relationship with the pressures of life.
Distress: This is the negative stress that most of us are familiar with. It is the feeling that arises from situations where we perceive a threat and feel a lack of control. Distress is draining, demotivating, and can feel overwhelming. Common sources of distress include conflicts in relationships, facing a job loss, dealing with a chronic illness, or feeling buried under financial debt. It's the kind of stress that, when prolonged, leads to burnout and a host of health problems.
Eustress: This is positive, beneficial stress. It is associated with challenges that we feel we can handle and that motivate us to perform at our best. Eustress creates a sense of excitement, focus, and vitality. Examples include the nervous energy before a big presentation you've prepared for, the physical challenge of a new workout routine, the excitement of starting a new job, or the intricate planning of a wedding. This type of stress helps us grow, learn new skills, and build resilience.
See https://www.amazon.com/Stressed-Centered-Practical-Healthier-Happier/dp/0990835405 for more information.
The critical factor that separates eustress from distress is not the external event itself, but our internal perception and appraisal of it. An event like a public speaking engagement can be experienced as eustress by someone who feels prepared and views it as an opportunity for growth. For another person who feels unprepared and fears judgment, the exact same event can trigger significant distress. This reveals a powerful truth: by changing our internal framework—by building skills, shifting our perspective, and practicing self-compassion—we can learn to transform potential distress into manageable, and even beneficial, eustress. This empowerment is at the heart of building psychological resilience.
The Body's Response: When Stress Becomes Chronic
Whether the stress is positive or negative, the body initially reacts in a similar way through the "fight-or-flight" mechanism. This ancient survival response triggers a cascade of biochemical changes, including the release of hormones like adrenaline and cortisol, which increase heart rate, blood pressure, and breathing to prepare you to face a perceived danger.
This response is incredibly useful for short-term threats. However, when distress becomes chronic—when the source of stress is persistent and we feel we cannot escape it—this system remains activated. The body is flooded with stress hormones day after day, which can have devastating consequences for our health. Long-term distress significantly impacts our social functioning, physical well-being, and ability to perform at work. It is a major contributing factor to, and can severely exacerbate, conditions like anxiety, depression, and chronic pain, areas where many individuals seek therapeutic support.
A Practical Toolkit for Managing Distress
Managing harmful stress is not about avoiding difficult situations, but about building a robust toolkit of strategies to regulate your body's response. A holistic approach that incorporates mind, body, and behavior is most effective.
Mind-Body Techniques
Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices are powerful tools for calming the nervous system. Research shows that mindfulness can decrease activity in the amygdala, the brain's fear center, giving you more conscious control over your emotional flow instead of being hijacked by it.
See https://insighttimer.com/danguerra/guided-meditations/mindfulness-meditation-practice
Breathing Exercises: When you feel acute stress, your breath becomes shallow and rapid. You can consciously reverse this by using simple breathing techniques. Box breathing, for example, involves inhaling for a count of four, holding for four, exhaling for four, and holding for four. This simple act sends a signal to your brain that you are safe, helping to deactivate the fight-or-flight response.
Lifestyle Adjustments
Exercise and Healthy Eating: Regular physical activity is one of the most effective ways to regulate stress hormones and release feel-good endorphins. Similarly, a balanced diet provides your brain and body with the fuel needed to cope with pressure. Focus on foods that are anti-inflammatory to help along your stress management journey.
Prioritizing Sleep: Sleep is when your body and brain repair and reset. A lack of quality sleep compromises your ability to manage stress, making you more reactive and emotionally vulnerable. Aiming for 7-9 hours of quality sleep per night is a foundational pillar of stress management. You may also work on catching up with effective rest through the week with practices like Yoga Nidra.
Cognitive and Behavioral Strategies
Setting Realistic Goals and Time Management: A primary driver of distress is feeling overwhelmed and out of control. Breaking large tasks into smaller, manageable steps and organizing your time can restore a sense of agency, which is a direct antidote to the feeling of powerlessness that defines distress.
Setting Healthy Boundaries: Chronic stress often stems from being overextended, saying "yes" too often, and taking on the emotional burdens of others. Learning to set and maintain healthy boundaries is a vital skill for protecting your energy and preventing the buildup of resentment and burnout.
Conclusion: Cultivating a Healthier Relationship with Stress
Stress is an unavoidable part of a full and meaningful life. The challenges we face are what push us to grow, adapt, and discover our own strength. The goal is not a stress-free life, but a life where you have a healthier relationship with stress—one where you can recognize the difference between a motivating challenge and a depleting threat. Transforming distress into eustress, and effectively managing the distress you cannot avoid, is a skill. Like any skill, it can be developed with practice, patience, and the right guidance.
If chronic stress is persistently impacting your health and quality of life, it's a sign that your system is overwhelmed. You do not have to manage it alone. A compassionate, evidence-based therapeutic approach can help you understand the roots of your stress, build resilience, and find a more sustainable balance. Reach out for a consultation to learn more about how you can start this journey.
Researched and modified with the help of AI Tools
Anxiety in Men
Anxiety is a physiological and emotional experience that can range from a typical and normal response to more debilitating and persistent experiences that may indicate a mental health diagnosis.
Anxiety is a physiological and emotional experience that can range from a typical and normal response to more debilitating and persistent experiences that may indicate a mental health diagnosis.
Typical response to everyday stressors such as changes in relationships, giving a public talk, or adjustment to loss or even gain, give us anxious feelings in the body and mind and typically go away with time or employing simple coping strategies. More debilitating responses to stress like chronic worry, interruption of day to day functioning, or behaviors that cannot be thwarted or stopped in response to stressors may require a higher level of intervention including psychotherapy, significant changes in lifestyle and/or prescribed medication by a qualified mental health practitioner.
Some of the signs of anxiety include the following:
Restlessness
Difficulty concentrating
Muscle tension
Sleep difficulties
Sudden periods of intense fear
Pounding heart
Sweating
Trembling
Shortness of breath
Chronic Worry
Feeling of impending doom
Panic Attacks
Negative assessment of future outcomes
Feeling “keyed up”
Anxiety for men in particular, may take the form of believing there is something weak or significantly deficient about you or your mind. This is not true and unfortunately, that idea can prevent you from seeking help, furthering the anxiety symptoms. For some men, the idea of talking about fears, feelings, and emotions is tantamount to increasing the anxiety or becoming weak an ineffectual. Instead, what we know about effectively dealing with anxiety informs us of the opposite—that learning how to communicate and express your fears and emotions, decrease the symptoms of anxiety itself.
Examples of possible stress, worry & anxiety:
You received a frightening, health diagnosis
You are having a financial setback
You have a deadline that you just cannot meet
An important relationship in your life is in trouble or has ended
A global pandemic is disrupting your day to day life.
You feel frozen in fear about one or more things in your life.
Your work is on your mind 24/7.
The first steps toward a way out of anxiety is to acknowledge, accept, and communicate what is going on. Asking for help from a loved one or a professional mental health practitioner will help you have a place to communicate and leave behind, many of you fears and concerns. You might also benefit from understanding what you can expect and what is normal with regard to your responses. Even writing down your fears and worries each day has been show to help decrease anxiety.
Men Who Are Anxious (but can apply to anyone as well):
Admit your fears
Seek help from a psychotherapist
Write down your anxious thoughts and worries
Take action over thought. In other words, when you are on the fence, take action to address your feelings (ie; go to gym, take a walk, listen to music, pray, tell a loved one how you are feeling, distract yourself, etc).
Focus on 3-5 things that you are grateful for each day (do first thing when you wake, and last thing before you sleep).
If you are someone with faith, or would like to be, focus on praying to God for peace of mind and heart.
Resources:
Stress, Worry & Anxiety, FT Beacon
What is Anxiety, by re:MiND
From Stressed To Centered: A Practical Guide To A Healthier And Happier You, by Dan Guerra
Managing Stress
Stress is a normal part of life, but it can become a problem if it's too intense or prolonged. Stress can lead to physical and mental health problems, so it's important to know the signs and how to manage them.
Stress is a normal part of life, but it can become a problem if it's too intense or prolonged. Stress can lead to physical and mental health problems, so it's important to know the signs and how to manage them.
Recognizing the Signs of Stress
Stress can have a major impact on our physical and mental health, so it's essential to be aware of the signs and symptoms.
Physiological Signs of Stress Include:
chronic exhaustion
feeling overwhelmed
difficulty sleeping
difficulty concentrating
feelings irritability or anger
Mental Signs of Stress Include:
anxious or worried
thoughts that you're not good enough
feeling like you're not in control
experiencing everything as a struggle
Behavioral Signs of Stress Include:
Increased use of drugs and alcohol to cope
Verbal or physical aggression
Socially isolating
Poor decision making
If you're experiencing any of these signs, it may suggest that you take a step back and examine yourself and your situation.
Developing a Stress Management Plan
Stress is a normal human reaction to a variety of situations. It's an unavoidable reaction to hunger, poverty, weather, grief, social isolation, physical illness, relationship difficulties and many other factors. In addition, there are many adverse effects of poor mental health.
Exercise helps your body fight against stress and eating healthy nutrient-filled foods helps you maintain your mental health. Also, avoiding unhealthy coping mechanisms such as alcohol or drugs will help you feel more in control of your life.
Managed stress can keep you safe from harm. Therefore, it's necessary to learn how to manage your emotions well. It includes addressing your anger, understanding your sadness and promoting your happiness. Some people can become violent or commit suicide when they are under severe emotional distress. We must learn how to control our instinctive reactions so that we don't harm ourselves or others.
Stress Management Techniques
Stress management techniques include:
Meditation
Yoga Nidra: The Science of Relaxation and Rest
Learn breath control exercises like ratio breathing or alternate nostril breathing.
Talk about the things that bother you.
Get some quality sleep.
Spend some time on your hobbies.
Avoid multitasking
Conclusion
Part of learning to manage stress is to realize that you can exercise choice. Take some time to think and decide what you want and let that be a part of your life. And this process keeps changing, so if there is something that no longer serves you, don't hesitate to disconnect it from your life. See if you can no longer allow persistent burdens to occupy space in your life, by implementing a stress management plan.
Depression
All of us feel down in the dumps from time to time. In a sense, it is perfectly normal and expected that some experiences in life may make us feel down or blue. Examples of this may be the loss of a loved one, losing a job, breaking up a relationship or experiencing sadness about someone else’s misfortune.
All of us feel down in the dumps from time to time. In a sense, it is perfectly normal and expected that some experiences in life may make us feel down or blue. Examples of this may be the loss of a loved one, losing a job, breaking up a relationship or experiencing sadness about someone else’s misfortune. Contrast this with pervasive and continuous low mood and energy for several weeks or months at a time, and we may be talking about clinical depression.
According to the National Institute of Mental Health (2017), Major Depressive Disorder affects 17.3 million people or 7.1% of the U.S. population. Major depression may be present if many of the following symptoms are present for over a 2 week period:
Feelings of Helplessness
Feelings of Hopelessness
Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities
Feeling down in the dumps or low mood
Lack of energy
Loss of sleep
Feelings of isolation
Significant increase or decrease in appetite
Feeling overwhelmed with life
A belief that things will not get better or improve
Low self-worth
Frequent Crying Spells
Wishing Life were over or Suicidal thoughts
Major Depression is treatable. The most efficacious treatment of moderate to severe depression may be a combination of psychotherapy and psycho-pharmacological interventions. Also, developing a healthy social support system made up of friends, family, and/or social communities such as faith institutions and community centers may also contribute to getting well and healing from depression.
One of the biggest hurdles to overcome when beginning to treat depression is believing that there can be help. The first step that may require a little push from the inside, is to reach out for help. Many suffer silently for months or years without speaking to someone professionally. This can be due to feeling shame, believing that they should just be able to “snap out of it”, or cultural/religious messages that have a negative or distorted view on persons who are clinically depressed. You should be encouraged to rise above any negative stigmatization of depression so that you can experience relief and healing as soon as possible.
resources:
Dan Guerra, Psy.D.